26

I was washing my hands yesterday and I saw a knife. The first thing I thought about was to jab it in my neck. But I guess growing up means you learn to manage these harmful behaviours. Like how I constantly want to drink and do heavy drugs, but limit myself to cigarettes. Like how, now I go for runs and eat healthily, go to bed at sensible hours and never abuse sleeping pills.

I guess, with growing up comes better control and judgement. It sure seems so. Taking responsibility of one’s actions.

Just like 2016’s theme was loneliness, a prevalent theme of 2017 was letting go. I will never fully understand other people. Without exception, I will never gain access to the internal vocabulary, states, and experiences of others, making it impossible to understand exactly what actually drives other’s actions and desires. Thus, spending too much time hypothesising why other’s actions is useless. Things happen, people do things, and that’s it. I learned that it’s useless to keep thinking about certain things and that it is ok to have unanswered questions.

This idea of letting go is not only with respect to people, but also to possibilities. One’s life is made of a series of choices and compromises. If one had infinite time, resources and energy, one could attend to all their wishes (or none as one could end up eternally debating between options), but the reality is different. You have a set of options and decisions have to be made. The trick is, decisions are made regardless of whether one makes conscious, deliberate ones.

I’m soon to be 26.

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