It has been a while since things got this heavy. I always knew there was an easy and quick fix to these lack of, or existence of overwhelming feelings but lately it has become the only option. I think I don’t have it in me – this love for life that I am often reminded others seem to have. Don’t get me wrong, everything is great. My life is great. I am probably happy.
But it’s not captivating. It has never been captivating. Art, mathematics, robotics and machine learning have been strong things which prevented me to think about the inevitable end. As long as I felt I could do something relevant, it was okay. However, my thoughts are currently consumed by reality. I can’t focus on the abstract or ideas. I am pulled from lines of code to thoughts about the mundane: people, myself, past occurrences. I am another sack of meat consuming resources unable to appreciate anything. I hate it. Reality is poisonous, and my lungs are filling up with it.
Somebody told me recently: ‘You should keep doing it as long as you are having fun. Otherwise, it’s a steep price to pay.’ On the topic of doing a PhD versus working in industry. Same goes for life tho, doesn’t it? The price is even higher. Combine the man hours that everybody has spent on you, all the shit you have used up, the years of therapy you might have, unwillingly, put people through. Everybody’s existence comes with a steep price. People often say suicide is a selfish action, but isn’t it staying here for the sake of it greedy?
I used to think, when I was younger, that all I needed was love. But I have actually been incredibly blessed throughout my life. I have met amazing people, great friends, people who truly loved me. I have too, loved people. I never though I would have been able to connect with so many people and feel such things. I have had so many opportunities and great things have happened. I am so grateful for everything and this is, in a way, what makes it so wasteful. In the end, there was always this lack of something – call it love for life or survival instinct. There’s no fix for this.
Last night I made the decision that I want to leave as soon as I am finished. I am done overstaying my welcome, let’s treat this as a work contract: implement a decent idea and go. No hard feelings. It will be a fun ride as long as it lasts.