We can go years and years without growing up. And conversely, one can grow up in a matter of hours. I suppose it’s similar to the the idea of living a lifetime without having truly experienced life. People grow when their view of the world gets shown to be false, when things one takes for granted are shown failable, or when things go wrong.
It truly uncomfortable to feel pain. But I think this is the necessary to get perspective and to feel the immensity of the world. To understand that our current worries – getting a promotion, fucking the next girl or failing an exam – have been over inflated due to the lack of heavier concerns.
In days like this, I breathe in the air and I realise that ultimately we are all alone. We are all alone because we are the only individuals with our own internal understanding of things. It reminds me this popular idea in Physics that matter doesn’t really touch other matter in the microscopical level – that there is a repellent force between the electrons of different atoms that prevents them from truly “touching” each other. I think people are like this too. We can get close to others, but in absolute terms, we still stand as single individuals.
Ultimately, I am the only person to answer to my choices, my views, and everything else, that I am the only agent that I can control in this world, that my actions can only influence actions of others in an arbitrary way, and that the only thing I can truly control is the way to perceive others’ actions. And more importantly, that everyone stands in the same position.
It has been 2 years since my father passed away. I understood recently that I will never be completely over this – as in, there is no denying or overcoming that a part of my life has faded forever, and that this is okay. May his soul keep in peace.