I don’t think I’m good enough to do the things I want to do and this makes me sad. But if I am still allowed to do them, why should it matter? I have the inner belief I’m completely mediocre, that these things go way beyond my skills, but if some others still allow me to play with these things – by hiring or working with me, then why should I feel ‘hopeless’ (for lack of a better word)? Is it an ego thing? Like how one should work to be recognized and ought to be successful, destined to be fucking amazing and thus, being mediocre is equivalent to being a loser, piece of shit. Or is it an honesty thing? As in, tricking people and wasting their time fully conscious of this fact. Or is it the fear that at some point, others will too realize my ineptitude and by then, I would have wasted too much time doing things I am not qualified for? Even so, what would be the awful consequence of that – except the perception of again, being a loser? Perhaps is that I could have become good at something I am suited for and by then, I might have lost the chance to?
But more importantly, is my love for these topics enough to make me satisfied, despite the high chances that I will never achieve much (as if that were the ultimate goal, for some reason)?
I flicker between the self perception of a naive fool and an idealistic one. And yes, tried googling for answers. No results were found.